Grief..where the heck did this come from?….

By: openheartproduction

Mar 03 2012

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Category: Uncategorized

3 Comments

Aperture:f/2.8
Focal Length:3.85mm
ISO:400
Shutter:1/16 sec
Camera:iPhone 4

 

“Within you I lose myself…without you I find myself wanting to be lost again.”–Author Unknown

I sit here this morning on a dark wintery day and feel about how it looks outside. I just got off the phone with a dear friend that knew me back when I was first married to Clyde. She may be one of the few people that knew us as a couple when we were first married. I adore talking with Suzanne but today…I feel the loss of my old life and Clyde very deeply.

How I miss having someone to share my day with that “gets me” like no one else…and loves me despite my flaws…he rather embraced them. I felt safe,cared for, valued, honored, I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel that again. I miss it..I can’t help myself. Please don’t tell me that…well at least you’ve HAD it…that only makes it worse. I want it again. Don’t say that to me..please. I feel as if some how my pain should be lessened because I had a good marriage. That really hurts.

I didn’t have time to feel my pain back when Clyde died. I was busy raising Kurt and Deena…at 8 and 14…they had lost a dad…they needed me to be mom…not a grieving widow that took to her bed for days on end…or turn to a bottle or pills or to another man to help me escape the pain or numb it. I had to move on…and be “on” I would not have had it any other way. We had some tough years…the 3 of us did…but today, with hard work and growing up ( including me ) we are back as a solid family of 3.

I guess I am finally realizing now…15 years later that I NEED to now feel the pain of the loss of Clyde, our history, our dreams, and growing old together. I have to let go before I can let love back in again. Wow..as I type this the tears are dripping down so much I can’t see to type. There are still lots of tears to come I guess…so I’m going to let it rip. I miss those days…yes I do…but I love my life also. I’m blessed in the laughter and through the tears. I know Clyde…you are up there saying…Lord have mercy….can’t you just say a simple good bye…and not lay it all out there??? I say honey….ya know what you always said..They only asked for the time….NOT how to build a watch. I say..well my dear…I can’t do it any other way…and you know you loved it! so there…hah

Thanks for allowing me to share this with you…I have to start to REALLY dig deep for those feelings I have kept hidden away since 1997. It’s ok to bring them up and release them from my grip…so I can feel those feelings of love again.

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3 comments on “Grief..where the heck did this come from?….”

  1. I remember….. when you met, when you told me you were going to marry him, when you did, when you move to Texas and when you came back… when you were pregnant with Deena and you and your mom sat at the hospital while Clyde had heart surgery…what a life… what a time… and what a loss. It’s been a long journey for you and your babies. You have experienced and grown and Clyde has smiled and shook his head and marveled at your strength and abundant love. Take time, dear friend and don’t rush to sort through things and as you let go of the pain and when you see that there’s a void… fill it with peace and joy because you know where the joy is…..everywhere around you. You seem to pull it towards you by your smile and kindness and openness.
    Know you are loved!!!!!

  2. More healing is coming…

    Your site is therapeutic for all, you know. Your talents are many. Thank you so much for sharing your life journey so honestly.

    Blessings…

  3. I don’t know who you are, but, God, you just broke my heart again. I often say to myself, “Bob, where are you…” because I, too, felt loved, protected, loved having
    someone who laughed at me and the world……not even out loud, sometimes with just a raise of his eyebrow…..I don’t know how to feel that way again, either. It’s no use saying I feel my life is over….no understanding there…and I don’t mean I haven’t moved on…tried to be cheerful and value family and friends….but I miss
    him so deeply…he validated me. How do you live unvalidaated? Thanks for
    your comments….


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